Damage Control

Written: 8/5/11

”But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” –Jesus (Matt 12:37)

Ever have one of those “I can’t believe I just said that” moments? How about a time when you say something and what you meant is exactly opposite of how it came across? Then everyone loses their minds and when they confront you about it, you can’t see the big deal and they’re angry at you and you get defensive and you lash out at them even more. Either that, or some people take your side without completely understanding the whole situation, and they lash out at someone else, and hurt that person, and that was not what you intended to happen at all.

Then, before you realize what happened, everyone is up in arms, either completely for you, or completely against you. And you, or someone you love, is standing in the middle, completely oblivious to the effects of what you said, and you get caught in the crossfire. Because when one hurtful thing is said, instead of taking time to see why words were said, they get on the defensive and launch a verbal counter-attack of their own. People get caught in their biases, insulting and insinuating out of blind devotion, usually in ignorance, and doing nothing but escalating the problems.

Everyone keeps going, and it will never stop. One person gets hurt and is forced to snap at the person who hurt them. People who are completely innocent find themselves in the middle of a hate storm, and have no idea what happened. To one side, the other side is the enemy for some vague and trivial reason, and to the other side, the first side is the enemy for the same thing. They usually don’t really realize that what both sides want is the same thing: Peace.

Isn’t it so true how easy it is to find yourself rushing to someone’s defense, not completely sure why you’re fighting; you just know that you are fighting for that person, and no matter what they did, the other side is wrong. You look right past the faults of the person you are defending and point out the faults in the other side. And all this does is create more and more problems. Pain begets pain, insults beget insults, and in the end, no one wins. Everyone leaves feeling hurt, misunderstood, and frustrated that they couldn’t get anyone else to see their point of view.

This happens in politics all the time.

I am writing this because this is what happened to me. I vented my frustration about the situation between Kayla and I; not mad or bitter towards Kayla in any way, just frustrated that I “Felt” left out. (Honestly, how many times have we been led to say or do something we would later regret?) I was venting, albeit, in the wrong way, but that’s all it was. I couldn’t find anyone to talk to me, I couldn’t find anyone to vent to, so I took to the one place where I knew that someone would see it. I posted it on facebook, right there for the whole world to see.

The only problem with the world being able to see it was that the world had no idea exactly what was going on. They see this post written in frustration, and it looks like someone has seriously been wronged. They immediately run to that person’s aid to “Lick the wounds” and take their side, or they quickly mount a defense. No one takes the time to simply say “Hey, could you clarify that a little, it sounds really bitter and really harsh, maybe you could try rephrasing that.”

No, instead, they immediately assume that they completely understand what is going on and fire back with things of their own.

And that’s what happened. I was misunderstood, and immediately people simultaneously rushed to my aid, and rushed to the attack. Phone calls were made, texts were sent, and messages were written; not all of them kind. So what does that immediately do to me? It puts me on the defensive. No longer am I venting an annoyance or frustration; I am defending myself.

Suddenly there are two sides launching verbal tirades at each other, aggressively and passionately defending the one they perceive as wronged. And while there are words flying and hate-bombs being dropped, people who had nothing to do with the situation, or who were completely unaware of what was going on are caught in no-man’s land being fired at from every direction, completely and utterly ignorant of what is going on; all they know is that they are being attacked, and they don’t know why.

That happened to Kayla. She couldn’t see my status update; and she never really asked me to isolate myself, I chose to do that. I felt forced into it, but really, it was my choice. So she is sitting here, completely oblivious to what is going on, and then all of a sudden, she is hit. She has no idea what was going on, nor any knowledge of my frustrations. But someone from “my side” launched something her way that hit her unexpectedly, and she had no idea why.

And I am so busy defending myself that I can’t see that this will eventually affect her in some way, and someone will (Someone ALWAYS does) inform her of the situation with either an encouraging “I’ve got your back girl!” message, or a “You are a horrible person, what have you done? How can you live with yourself?” message.

I was too blind to see it, but it happened. I didn’t want it to, but it did. Now I’m standing here, looking across this battlefield, and I see people who are wounded, people who are offended, people who are angry, and who only want this to settle down. I see wounds I have inflicted on others, I see tension I have placed on already tedious relationships. Most of all, I see people who have only ever tried to help me, and navigate this whole situation fairly (whether they succeeded or not is irrelevant. They tried.). I see that my careless words, my need for instant gratification, hurt those who didn’t deserve it; those who I had no quarrel with, who were hurt, either by me, or by the ensuing chaos of my words.

You see, I was not mad at Kayla. I am not mad at Kayla. This is not just her fault, just as much as it’s not all my fault. Blame is to be shared. I chose to isolate myself. I was never told that I couldn’t be around her, or that I couldn’t hang out with everyone, I just chose that route and played the victim.

Because I was so busy defending myself under the barrage of hate-calls, hate-texts, and hate-messages, I couldn’t see how this would affect Kayla. After a short while, clarification was no longer considered, I was only concerned with fighting back. I was no longer venting my frustrations at the situation in general but making personal attacks and not caring about the repercussions.

I was selfish and foolish. And I hurt several people who didn’t deserve any of it; and I involved others who didn’t need to be involved. I had others acting on the same line of defense and attack as me, completely unaware of what was going on.

I am sincerely sorry. I was wrong to not at least consider rephrasing my grievance. I was wrong to involve other people in this. I was wrong to go public before ever trying to work the problem out in private. I was wrong to lash out when I felt attacked, rather than try to understand what was going on. I was wrong to speak out of emotion and not reason. And to everyone who was involved with either the thread itself, or the private discussions, or the phone calls, or any

other part of it, I am sorry.

Please, do not take offense with anyone but me. Kayla had nothing to do with this, she is innocent. Leave her alone.

And don’t blame anyone else who said something that hurt you or that offended you, we were all speaking from biased emotions.

“Forgive one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph. 4:32) And, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18)

I ask your forgiveness for this entire ordeal. And I forgive you for anything you said or thought about me.