I have heard it said that time heals all wounds. That is false. Time heals nothing. I have actually found that some wounds only get worse with time. Some things only become more painful as the days, weeks, and months roll by. The worst part of it all was that I saw it coming a mile away and could have avoided it. I could have stopped all of this. But instead, I saw the warnings, and chose to go ahead anyways. To continue in my foolishness. I could have saved a lot of people a lot of pain, but instead, I chose the route of selfishness and hurt a lot of people. But namely, one person. The one person I promised that I wouldn't hurt, that I told to her face that I would protect and love her and be there for her. Instead, I lied to her, I used her, I hurt her, and I only made her life worse.
Regret is my biggest enemy at this time. I find myself constantly deflecting the barrage of guilt and shame over the things that I have done. "If you love someone," These voices say, "Then how could you do what you did? How could you lie like that, how could you break every promise you made to her? How? And you call yourself a human? You are pathetic. You are nothing. You will only ever bring disappointment and hurt wherever you go. You will always fail because you are a failure."
These voices taunt me day in and day out. No matter what I do, they never go away. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that it leaves me paralyzed. I can't move, I can't think, I can't do anything except watch these memories play through my mind over and over again. And all I see is pain. Pain that I have caused, that I could have avoided. I am constantly in a state of re-analyzing my life, finding every thought, every action, and every motive that was wrong and wishing I could go back and fix it.
I see pictures of her smiling, laughing, having fun. I see her laughing when she is with her friends, enjoying herself, and enjoying life. From out here she looks so happy and peaceful. And every time I see that, a voice booms in my head and says "See how happy she is? See how much she loves her life? She was never like that with you. With you, it was always misery. It was always pain. She couldn't be herself, she couldn't trust you, she couldn't even love you. But now that she is not with you, and you are not in her life, everything is right for her. But never with you. Because you are a waste of life, you are a detriment, you are nothing but a parasite to those around you." And I have no choice but to believe them, because it is true. All of it. At least, that's what my life's experiences have taught me.
And it never stops. Never. When I pray, it's there. When I read the bible, it's there. When I am hanging out with my friends, it's there. When I am trying to sleep, it's there. No matter what I do, I can think of nothing else. "She hates you! She wants nothing to do with you! You were, and are, just as bad as the others. You are not a man. You will never be one! See how she just pretends like you don't exist? That's because she hates you, and it would have been better for everyone if you didn't exist."
I find myself, over a month later, still reeling from it all. Still wiping tears from my eyes when no one is looking. I am trying so hard, but no matter what I do, it is never enough. I feel as though I will never be the man God has called me to be. That I will never be anything. Period. The wound is old, but the pain is still just as sharp and just and deep as ever. I mean, if I can't even find a job, how do I expect to ever have a family? In and of myself, I am powerless and worthless. I have nothing to give to anyone. I am the more perverted, dark, twisted, and broken than everyone. I have no good inside of me.
Where does that leave me? What hope is there for one as wretched as me? For so long, I thought there was none. I professed to know hope, I professed to have hope, but secretly, I didn't believe it. And I fight with myself every day to make myself believe it.
"There is no hope for you, Colby!" The voices say.
"Yes! There has to be!" I plead, "I know it's there somewhere, I just haven't found it yet."
And there's this war, constantly raging inside of me. Pulling me back forth, tugging at me from all sides. Confusing me, hurting me. Reminding me of everything I have ever done wrong. Visions flash in my mind's eye; visions of the hurt and pain that I have caused. And I wonder if I will ever be free from this guilt.
Yes, I am trying to serve God and live for Him. I am praying constantly and reading the Word, and even being used by God to minister to others. But in the midst of that, all I can hear is the sound of her crying as she said goodbye and knowing that her pain was my fault.
My smiles are empty and full of hurt.
And I come before my God with nothing to give, with nothing to offer. I can't even bring myself to say anything, because it only ever sounds like excuses and apologies. All I can do is stare at the floor, knowing how unholy I am and that I do not deserve by any means to even be able to come into His presence. I don't deserve to be able to pray. I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't deserve to even be a slave of the king. The weight of his perfection weighs so heavily and stands in such sharp contrast to my imperfection and wickedness, that I can't even stand.
All I can say is "I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry, God. I am so, so sorry."
I sit here on my knees, broken. Completely empty of myself, of hope, of life, and of purpose. I have nothing. I am nothing. But is then that I remember what the pslamist said, "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit." (34:18).
And in my brokenness and hopelessness, A voice as clear and powerful as a peal of thunder echoes in my mind, "I am with you always." It says. And immediately the other voices, the ones who accuse and condemn are silenced. And for that brief amount of time, I don't feel so hopeless.
Suddenly, I notice that my guilt is gone. I notice that my shame has been washed away. My dark and calloused heart has been renewed and restored. My emptiness is gone, and I feel purpose again. And from the sheer gratitude, I am still unable to move. Then He says, "Now go, my son, and tell them all what I have done for you, that I may give them hope and set them free as well."
And so here I am, nowhere near perfect. A broken, despicable man. A man of shame and sorrow and heartbreak. But for some reason, God has made me perfect and whole. He has washed away my shame. And He has given me a purpose.
And this I say to you: It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done, what church you go to, or if you even go at all. That guilt you carry around every day of your life? That shame you feel constantly? That sense of hopelessness? That sense of purposelessness? All of it can be gone. It can be taken from you! You can be made whole. You can be given hope and purpose!
There is no such thing as too far gone. No such thing as hopeless. Because I stand here today as a testament that all things can be made new. All things can be restored. Your evil is worse than you ever dared imagine, but God's grace is greater than you ever dared hope! You can change!
"Hope?" You ask.
"Yes! Hope!" I say.
I know that God is good, even when I am not. I know that God is faithful, even when I am not. And I know that God is able, even when I am not.
I may not understand, or I may think I understand, but that doesn't matter. I believe that God can make all things new! I believe that, because He has made me new. Don't give up! Because it is not over yet! Not for me, and not for you.
And I can stand here now, sorry for the wrongs I have done, but forgiven for them. I know that God has a plan in all of this, I know He has a purpose for me. And whichever way this turns out, I trust Him. Because He is trustworthy.
No comments:
Post a Comment